


Black Leather, White Beads

by siriusissues



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Have a nice day, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, M/M, Mentions of Smut, Tags May Change, anyway so, but he's not trained, depends on if i forget to tag anything lmao, hints of depression, hints of rey/finn, it's literally only tagged underage bc they kiss for the first time when they're under 18, mentions of minor charachter death, oh and btw poe is force sensitive, ooops spoilers, the ending is happy i swear, whoops more spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-17 22:46:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5888212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siriusissues/pseuds/siriusissues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The pull inside of him was still there, whispering to him how it could make the loneliness go away. It was a temptation for something he could not name, flowing through his veins.</p><p>It was dark and mysterious, but yet so passionate. It was promising him happiness and freedom and a life without pain.</p><p>Or; the one where broken boy meets broken boy but instead of healing they just breaks even more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Black Leather, White Beads

**Author's Note:**

> first of all, my first language is not english so i apologize for any grammatical errors and such  
> secondly, i know their ages are like totally fucked up here. for example i know poe's 8 when his mom dies but i've changed it all a bit so it'll fit with the plot  
> thirdly, it's not beta read bc i'm a lazy fuck
> 
> ok so enjoy !!!!

The very first memory inside Poe's mind that he actually remembers, is of a boy and a woman.

The woman is tall and slim. Her black hair is in some kind of bun, pieces of it framing her face. Her eyes are the colour of _happiness_. Smooth like honey and beautiful like the sunsets she's always watching with the boy and his father, when they're all together.

She's holding the boy's tiny hand in her own, looking down at him with so much _love_ one could suffocate. Her hands are warm and soft, slender fingers tightly grasping the toddler's chubby ones. Different people, different hands, but the skin melting together in the same shade of brown.

Her hands can tell all the stories her mouth can't. One could study them for a minute, and find out more about her than she would tell anyone in ten years.

She's slowly letting go of the boy's hand and crouches down in front of him. She opens her other hand, a bracelet resting in the palm of it.

The boy looks away from the bracelet to look at the woman again, his big eyes wide with confusion, curiousity swimming in his dark orbs.

"I made you this so you'll always have a part of me when I'm not here to hold your hand," she tells the toddler as she ties the bracelet around his left wrist, the white beads and black leather immediately becoming a part of him, too.

"I know you miss me a lot when I'm away, but as long as you wear this bracelet around your wrist I promise you you'll be okay. Never take it off," she whispered as she once again took the boy's hands. He nodded.

She then let go of his hands to take the helmet off his head, not even the slightest bit of surprised when she found him playing with her gear once again. She kissed his forehead, letting her lips linger for a second or two before standing up again.

"Be good to your father, he loves you as much as I do. Don't forget me when I'm away, I'll be back soon enough." And with that she puts the helmet on her own head, giving the boy one last smile before she turns around and begins to make her way over to her A-Wing, leaving the boy with a promise so easily broken if just one thing goes wrong. Leaving the boy with a part of her with him and a part of him with her. Always.

The woman and the boy are mother and son.

The woman is Shara Bey, the boy is Poe Dameron.

 

  
And that was the first time Poe felt it, the pull inside of him telling him exactly what he wants to do with his life. He wants to become someone as amazing as his mother. Wants to fight for the Resistance as their most loyal pilot. Wants to defeat all the evil in the galaxy and bring peace and freedom to everyone, willing to risk his own life to success.

The pull is getting stronger and stronger. There's light, he can see it. He's certain that he can feel it, too, if he just closes his eyes. So as his mother takes off so does his mind and he's pulled into a bubble of _hope_. The light is flowing through his whole being and he has no idea what it is, only that it wants him to come with it. To follow it.

And he wants to, he really wants to, but there's a deepness in the light making black dots appear behind his eyelids. There's a darkness to the light and it's full of passion and power. He takes a deep breath and reaches out to the dark and soon it's flowing through his body, making the light slowly disappear for every beat of his heart.

Poe gasps for air because _this doesn't feel right_. He quickly opens his eyes again and at the same moment the light disappears completely, the darkness also leaving his body. No matter how hard he tries he can't find a single trace of what just happened.

That night the small boy lies awake, afraid of the darkness inside his mind rather than the darkness inside his room. Scared that the light will turn into darkness again, he does not dare closing his eyes.

When his father comes to get him the next morning lilac shadows are forming under the four year old's eyes.

And if he sees the fear in the boy's eyes he doesn't mention it, only holds his son a bit tighter as they watch the sun rise over Yavin 4.

 

  
— — —

 

  
When Poe is seven years old he loses his mother.

Days turns into weeks and he still can't believe that he's lost her. She's _gone_.

Until one night, when the small boy lies awake in his all too big bed and stares at the too white ceiling, a wave of emptiness and _grief_ almost drowns him.

And that's when he truly feels it for the second time, but this time there's no light. Rage flows through him and he gets the sudden urge to scream, to cry, to _punch_ something. He's too young, only seven years old but has already seen more than a fifty year old man. The young boy believes that he doesn't deserve this, a child is meant to have their mother by their side until they become a parent themselves.

He wants her to come back, needs her to hold him and see the light in him that he fails so hard to see, to _feel_.

He breaks down, falls to his knees and lets go of himself for the first time since the funeral. He hiccups, gasps for air, tears rushing down his cheeks as he clutches the bracelet he usually wears around his left wrist. The same bracelet his mother gave him three years ago so he wouldn't miss her so much when she went to do her duty as a pilot of the Resistance.

It didn't work, he still wished for her as he went to bed every night, his father watching him with a hint of sadness. Always with a hint of sadness.

But even though he still missed her, the bracelet gave him a feeling of calmness. A part of her was still with him everytime she went on a mission. Now, though, it feels like the beads are burning marks into his palm, the bracelet just a reminder of how his life used to be. Just a reminder of how much he wants her to come back to him and his father.

So he throws the bracelet across his room and hastily gets up from the floor, wiping the tears off his face as he rushes out of the door and then out of their quarters.

Because the easiest way to ease the pain, is to get rid of everything that caused it in the first place. The easiest way to forget, is to earse every single trace of something that will make him remember.

Or so he thought.

Later that night, as the young pilot-to-be sat on the cold, hard floor of the main hangar of the base of Yavin 4, he couldn't help but feel every presence surrounding him, and noticing how _lonely_ he truly is.

The pull inside of him was still there, whispering to him how it could make the loneliness go away. It was a temptation for something he could not name, flowing through his veins.

It was dark and _mysterious_ , but yet so passionate. It was promising him happiness and freedom and a life without _pain_.

And Poe, young, poor Poe was so close to give in to the temptation. He was so close to take the hand it was offering him.

It was, after all, promising him the gift to bring his beloved mother back.

 

  
— — —

 

  
When Poe is ten years old he meets a boy with long, black hair that frames his face perfectly. The boy is shy and doesn't speak much, and Poe often catches himself staring at him where he's sitting hidden away in the darkness of the hangar. The older boy comes there every day to admire all the starships he wishes to fly one day, but instead he finds himself admiring the freckles across the younger boy's face and the soft curve of his nose.

There is something sad about the boy. It's surrounding him and makes his presence known every time he steps into a room. No one seems to notice, though. No one but Poe.

 

  
One day when Poe is sitting at the edge of the hangar, watching another Y-Wing take off, the sad but beautiful boy approaches him with determination written all over his face.

The boy sits down next to Poe, keeping a distance between them. Not too small, but not too big, either. No one says anything for a while, just watching ship after ship leave and come back. Never have Poe ever felt so comfortable just being in silence with someone else, although the boy is a complete stranger to him. Almost.

"I'm Ben," the black haired child says after a moment. Poe has never heard him speak before but _kriff_ , his voice is angelic. He watches him for a moment, studying the way he sits with his legs crossed and his hands resting on his lap, his left thumb gently rubbing the back of his right hand.

"Just Ben?" Poe then asks, not even trying to keep the amusement out of his voice. He smiles for the first time that month. Ben just nods.

"Just Ben," he confirms.

"Alright, well, I'm Poe. Poe Dameron,"

"I know," Ben says as he _finally_ turns his head to look at the ten year old. That is also the first time Poe finds himself not able to read the emotions on someone else's face. The first time he's not able to feel what the person he's speaking to is feeling.

"My mother speaks of you a lot," the boy continues, not even the slightest bit bothered by Poe's realization that Ben's mind is shielded away from him. "She seems very fond of you."

Poe doesn't dare asking who Ben's mother is.

 

  
— — —

 

  
It's three years later, when Ben and Poe are curled up in the cockpit of Poe's mother's old A-Wing that the now thirteen year old realizes that he, without hesitation, would sacrifice his own life if it meant that Ben would live for a heartbeat longer.

He feels the pull again, it's stronger this time and any sign of darkness is gone. Poe knows it's there, but this time he's not letting it get to him.

Ben is holding his hand, his skin so pale compared to Poe's, creating a beautiful contrast. He squeezes the older boy's hand a bit tighter as he feels the light run through him, and turns his head a bit to nuzzle his nose into the messy mop of dark curls that is Poe's hair. His head is resting on Ben's left shoulder.

And if Ben knows of Poe's sudden realization and emotions, he doesn't mention it.

The thirteen year old knows that the eleven year old knows though. He always does. Ben's mind is open, his shields always down in moments like these. Poe can feel their bond being filled with love as the younger boy runs his thumb along the curve of Poe's hand.

 _I'll keep you safe, I promise_.

 

  
— — —

 

  
One night, when Poe can't sleep again, he hears a quiet knock on his door as he's gazing at the stars and planets through his bedroom window. He went out flying today, again, in his own X-Wing. He has yet to visit any systems on his own, but as soon as General Organa gives him the permission he swears he'll take Ben with him and they will-

Another knock. A bit louder this time. Poe knows who it is, can feel their presence at the other side of the door. They're sad. Upset. Angry. Lost and confused but full of _passion_.

The door opens behind him as soon as he lower his shields, and in steps Ben Solo.

Ben quietly makes his way over to where Poe is sitting on the window sill. No one speaks for a long time, just watches the night sky in awe and _hope_. The sixteen year old closes his eyes for a brief moment, pictures and memories filling his mind once again.

He sees starships crashing through the atmosphere at full speed. A feeling of being _free_ washes over him. He sees himself flying through the cosmos, bright like a supernova, his fingers laced together with the fourteen year old's. A feeling of _infinity_ washes over him. He sees the moons of Naboo dancing to the music the stars are making, the act tearing through the silence of space only to replace it with melodies of love. A feeling of being _safe_ washes over him.

"I'm sorry," Ben whispers so quietly Poe's not even sure if he actually said something.

"For what?" He answers anyway, his voice laced with tiredness but his mind wide awake.

"For not getting to see these things with you. For not getting to experience your dreams with you. For not getting to see you fulfill every single one of them,"

Poe swallows hard and opens his eyes again, his forehead resting against the cool surface of the window. It hits him then, at that very moment, that Ben came to say goodbye.

A few minutes passes and no matter how hard Poe tries to think of something to say, he just simply _can't_.

"You read my mind again," he murmurs at last, his breath making the clear window foggy, but it quickly disappears.

He hears Ben inhale deeply behind him, feels his shields rise slightly for a second before lowering them again. The pale boy places a hand on Poe's arm, slender fingers stroking the usually warm skin. Ben closes his eyes. The older boy is only ever freezing when he's tearing himself apart from the inside. Explains why he borrows Ben's jackets more and more often nowadays.

"I'm sorry," the fourteen year old whispers again and Poe wants to grab him by the shoulders and scream at him not to leave, to stay at Poe's side until someone has to physically force them apart. Wants to tell him that he actually has a saying in this, that Ben can stay if he truly wants to, that his mother and father can't force him to go.

But that's selfish. Poe wants to keep Ben as his own, but can't, for the young man is the Resistance's biggest hope. The one person who can save their galaxy from any more suffering. And if that means that Poe has to live with his own suffering then that's _okay_ , as long as the rest of the galaxy gets to live in peace.

The young pilot moves to get down from the window sill and Ben lets go of his arm, the phantom touch lingering on his skin, making him feel like he's being burnt. Making him feel like he's being claimed.

The two not-so-small boys are standing in front of each other, eyes at the same level. Ben may be two years younger than Poe, but yet they're the same height. The fourteen year old takes every opportunity he can to remind the older boy of this.

 _One day, probably soon, I'll be much taller than you_.

Seconds turns into minutes and together they blur into _nothing_. Nothing that matters, that is. The two very young men has yet to break eye contact for anything else than blinking. Energy is flowing through the room and anyone who would walk in right now might think they've been struck by lightning.

And then it just happens. Hands are touching his waist in a firm but yet so loving grip, pulling his body closer against Ben's. He reaches up and cups the younger man's face, his thumbs stroking the gentle curve of his cheekbones.

Then their lips _finally_ meet, and now it's like they're actually getting struck by lightning.

 

  
Ben leaves Poe's room later that night with a black leather bracelet with white beads hugging his left wrist. An unspoken promise between the two of them that their last goodbye will be the day when their hearts stop beating.

An unspoken promise made between slow kisses and eager hands. Their hearts and minds blending into one.

 _Yeah, one day, probably soon, you'll be much taller than me and I'll have to stand on my tippy toes to taste your lips. To feel at home_.

 

  
— — —

 

  
Poe Dameron is now ten years older and Ben Solo is dead.

And for the first time since he found out, he lets his thoughts drift around freely.

He remembers how General Organa had came to him one evening, her eyes puffy and eyes blodshot like she had been crying. It was odd seeing her without her uniform, her long hair falling over her shoulders and down her back, making her look so much younger.

That day it had been exactly two years since Ben left to train with his uncle, Luke Skywalker. Poe thought about him more and more for each day, longing to meet him again rather than seeing his face over a hologram. But when Ben's mother stepped into his room that night, he got the feeling that he never would get to hold the young man's hand again, never get to kiss his full lips again, never get to visit every system in the galaxy and fly beyond the edge of it, with him.

And he was right.

 _Jedi massacre. No survivors_.

 

  
He spent the rest of the night crying on the General's shoulder. His body shook with every breath he took. His thoughts drifted back to the day he had lost his own mother, how he had not let himself _feel_. He was seven then. A seven year old who couldn't let himself cry, or mourn, because both were a sign of weakness. He still dreads a part of himself for acting that way. He had let his mother down, not wanting to remember her when in reality that's all he still could do for her.

 _I'm sorry, mother_.

And here he was, eleven years later, crying in the arms of his mother's most loyal friend.

He wanted to scream at her for making Ben go when he didn't want to. He wanted to yell at her that _you're not supposed to make your child leave_. He wanted her to feel the pain tearing through his body, because if his heart broke the day Ben left, then it was shattered now. Beyond repair. He wanted to scream at her, wanted her to take the blame for everything he's been through.

But then it hit him like a car crash, like two speeders colliding turning everything into ashes. If he thought losing a parent was bad, then he sure as hell did not want to know what it's like losing a child. It was like he was seven all over again, only this time a son didn't lose his mother. This time a mother lost her son.

 

  
After that night they never spoke of it again. His force bond with Ben was hurting, and no matter how hard he tried to, he couldn't reach out to it, because no one was reaching out to his.

Things went back to how they were quickly after that. Though, now, The General never took a break from her work. The young pilot barely ever seen outside of his cockpit. Both scared that if they stopped for just a second to take a look at life, the sorrow would hit them so hard they no longer would be alive. Fear. Anger. Hatred.

Poe is suffering. No one sees it.

 

  
That was eight years ago today. Eight years ago since he had lost the man of his dreams with the warm smile but sad eyes. The now twenty-six year old hasn't thought of him since then. Not even once.

Until now.

As he made his way to Jakku, a desert planet where he would meet an old man going by the name Lor San Tekka, his mind filled him with memories and moments shared with Ben. For the first time in eight years he let himself truly mourn. Both his mother and lover.

 _Lover_. Is that what you call someone you've kissed once, but been in love with ever since the first moment you met them?

 

  
As Poe arrives at the small village in the middle of nowhere at Jakku, he doesn't know this will be the very first and last time he'll meet the villagers, for their village will be nothing but ashes and bloody corpses in an hour.

The young man climbs out of his X-Wing and wipes the dust off his worn out, brown leather jacket before turning to the little droid neatly sitting in its usual place at the back of his ship.

"I'll be back before you know it, BB-8. Be good and don't break anything," the pilot says with a hint of amusement. He grins softly as the BB-unit chirps almost like its offended by its owner's words.

And with that, Poe turns and begins to walk towards a small house of the village. If one could actually call it a house, he's not sure. But Lor San Tekka lived there, so at least it was a home.

The meeting was quick, almost like the old man was in a hurry, like he wanted Poe to get out of there as quick as possible.

It didn't take long before the Resistance Commander figured out why.

The sudden sounds of ships getting closer and closer made Poe's heart beat faster with ice cold blood filling his veins.

The sudden screams and sounds of feet against the hard mark was enough to drain Poe's face of colour.

So he got up from the ground with a promise that he'd bring the map to General Organa and find her twin brother.

And before he rushed out of the small stone house he caught a glimpse of something he could not name in the depths of Lor San Tekka's eyes.

It was almost like a mixture between pain and _relief_. It was like the old man had accepted his fate the day he was born, and he somehow knew that today would be the day he would fulfill his destiny, for he was no longer needed.

 

  
A few quick strides later and Poe's back at his X-Wing. But of course he's not that lucky. Having worked for the Resistance for most of his life, he long ago figured out that _luck_ was just a word made of four letters that held no meaning. Almost like the word _hope_.

A second later and his favorite ship is too damaged to fly, and he's starting to think that maybe his and Lor San Tekka's fates are way too similar.

BB-8 beeps and chirps, the white and orange unit sensing the fear rising within his master. Sometimes Poe thinks droids are getting more and more alike humans, and if that's a good or bad thing... Well, that depends on what humans you're thinking of.

The pilot quickly kneels down in front of his loyal friend and gives him the map and gently pats his little droid head. He's meant to say goodbye now, but he doesn't. Can't bring himself to accept the fact that he might lose another friend tonight.

"I'll come back for you, I promise," he says instead and the droid can't question him, so it just takes off into the desert night leaving the young man with a sinking feeling in his gut.

 _Goodbye, BB-8_.

 

  
Poe can't escape. He has no ship, and even if he did, he would not let the villagers down by being a coward and leaving their lives in the hands of pure evil.

He watches as Lor San Tekka is being forced to the ground by a pair of stormtroopers and it's like a car crash all over again. He wants to look away, but _can't_.

There's a tall shadow standing in front of the old man, and Poe can almost _feel_ the pain the dark being is struggling with.

A few feet away another stormtrooper is watching the whole scene. There's three stripes of blood on his helmet, making him stand out amongst the crowd of identical men, all wearing white armor.

There's something about him that Poe can't quite name. For some reason the twenty-six year old feels safer with the stormtrooper's presence there.

The sudden sound of a lightsaber being switched on makes Poe look back at Lor San Tekka, only to see his now lifeless body fall to the ground.

Without thinking he grabs his blaster and rushes towards the man - _or rather murderer_ \- he pulls the trigger only to be frozen mid-air.

 _No. This can't be_.

The pair of stormtroopers that held Lor San Tekka just a minute ago makes their way over to him, their heavy steps making shivers run down his spine.

He's soon being dragged over to the creature of darkness and pushed down onto the ground before him. He hisses in pain as a foot collides with his lower back, knowing very well that that sure as hell was no accident.

He stares up at the tall knight of darkness with determination in his eyes, and for a brief moment he swears he can feel the man hesitate. Can almost feel all his sorrow and anger and... _Love_? Can almost see the battle inside his head.

"So who talks first?" Poe breaks the ice, confident charm lacing his voice, masking his fear. "Do I talk first? Or do you talk first?"

The man in the black robes chuckles. But it's not happy, just mocking and _cold_. So cold.

He kneels down in front of the pilot and no matter how hard Poe tries to see his eyes through the mask, he only sees his own reflection staring back at him.

 _Maybe that's cause he wants you to watch yourself die_.

The masked man reaches out and grips the Resistance Commander's chin with his thumb and forefinger, his _black leather_ gloves hot against Poe's cold olive skin.

The grip was firm but his touch so gentle, almost caring. Like he didn't dare put a finger on the pilot unless it was to show affection.

Poe refused to let himself lean into the touch. Couldn't give in to the warm promises it made as the man before him stroked the soft curve of his chin, slowly tracing his lower lip.

It was like lovers meeting again.

 _Perhaps it was_.

"Always so foolishly charming, _Dameron_."

 

  
Everything after that was just a blur of screams and shootings and cries for help as Poe was shoved on board of the taller man's ship. The young man could only make out one voice in the huge mess.

"What about the villagers?" "Kill them all."

 _Kill them all. Kill them all. Kill them all_.

It held no hesitation, no sympathy. Three words, eleven letters. So simple but yet the cause of so many people losing their lives. People who had done nothing wrong. Innocent children watching their families get slaughtered knowing it was their turn soon.

Poe forced himself to turn his head around and watch. He couldn't help but feel guilty when he saw body after body fall to the ground.

His eyes landed on the stormtrooper from earlier, the one who made him feel safer in the dark night. He held his weapon with shame, not even watching when the rest of his squad took down the villagers. Poe felt so much pain in him. So much fear and hesitation.

 _He does not belong here_.

His eyes then fell on the First Order Commander - Kylo Ren - and Poe could tell that he had felt it, too. The good in the stormtrooper with the blood on his helmet.

 _Let him go_.

 

  
— — —

 

  
Poe Dameron is twenty-six years old and right now he's sure that he won't get even just a day older. If he dies tonight, then so be it. At least he did it in the name of the Resistance.

He's exhausted and hurting all over physically. He swears his body is going numb against the torture rack standing in the middle of a dark room. He's not sure for how long he's been there, but he's sure he's gonna die in there.

Poe's too caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn't hear a door slide open and close. It's the sudden presence of someone else with him in the room that makes him look up. Dark eyes like pools of honey meets black. Nothing but black.

"I didn't know we had the best pilot in the galaxy on board," the man behind the mask and dark robes tells him. "Comfortable?"

He's making fun of Poe. Mocking him when he's at his weakest state. Making sure he knows who has the upper hand here.

"Not really," the pilot mutters, trying his best to keep the pain out of his voice.

"I know," the man then answers. Poe's sure he's smirking underneath the mask, finding another way to poke fun at his prisoner. "Your thoughts are not exactly quiet. Did no one ever tell you how to keep your shields up? Or did they not feel like wasting their time on you?"

And _ouch_. That stings.

"That's funny cause that's exactly what you're doing, wasting your time on me. I won't speak."

Kylo Ren chuckles, his mask making the sound seem even more harsh.

 _Confident but too self conscious to show his face_.

"You don't have to," he says "You really just have to be _here_."

And then he reaches out with his right hand and places it right in front of Poe's forehead and just two seconds later he nearly doubles over in pain, if he wasn't stuck to the torture rack.

It's like something is _literally_ eating his mind. It's like someone is tearing out bone after bone from his body. It's like someone is entering his head.

Poe screams and struggles against the restrains. It hurts. Everything hurts. He tries to keep his shields up, building high walls that the Dark Force User tears down twice as fast. It's mentally draining.

He throws memory after memory at Kylo Ren, useless stuff like what he had for breakfast that morning and how he loves watching the sunset everyday because that's the only time he gets to be truly free, except for when he's flying.

But the taller man just digs deeper and deeper and he's soon reaching the memories Poe has kept hidden away since he got them. He's reached the part of his mind the pilot long ago wanted to be gone, _forever_.

He sees his mother, strong and confident and as beautiful as ever as she's tying something around his left wrist.

He sees his father watching him with joy and love as he's sitting under the special tree in their garden. He's laughing. He's just a child. He has no idea why the rocks in front of him are flying just because he moves his hand, but it's enough to entertain a four year old, so he continues.

He sees himself silently crying as he falls to his knees in front of the very same tree. It's grown a lot during four years. This time he's not lifting rocks though. This time he's placing his hand on a small bumb in the ground and pats it gently. The grass is wet from the rain slowly soaking through his clothes. He's eight years old and his wrist is bare, _naked_. A bracelet no longer hugging it. He's sitting under the tree, in the soft grass of so many shades of green he's never seen before. He's sitting atop the final blanket his mother will ever rest beneath.

In his next memory he sees a boy. A boy he hasn't seen for ten years. They're at a huge meadow and if you look closely you can make out the shadow of a castle resting on the horizon. The boy's mother is letting them stay here with some of her relatives. The boy is Ben Solo, and he is a child of Alderaan and Corellia. They're currently staying at Naboo, and for the first time in his nine years of life, Poe wishes he could be something else than a child of Yavin 4.

 

  
He's getting thrown back into reality when he feels Kylo Ren stumble away from him and leave his head, kind of like he got physically burnt by one of Poe's memories.

The young pilot closes his eyes and he's so _weak_ but he does his best to recall the last memory the young darkside apprentice could've seen before he left Poe's mind.

And _oh_.

He sees the boy before him again but this time he's fourteen and his arms are wrapped so tightly around Poe's waist, it's like they're meant to be there. The boy's lips are on his and-

He's pulled back into reality again. He opens his eyes and sees Kylo Ren just a few inches away from his face and he's glaring at Poe, even though the mask is still covering his face.

Then he raises his hand again and Poe knows that this time he can't do anything to stop him from finding what he's seeking inside the Resistance Commander's head. Poe has no memories left to throw at him, too weak to recall memories he's already seen.

He tries, he really does. But Kylo Ren is ripping him apart from the inside and Poe's walls are just getting thinner and thinner for every breath he takes. Then he _cracks_. Unable to keep him away from his thoughts for any longer, he feels the taller man reach out and so easily pluck the memory of giving the map to BB-8 out of his head.

Then he leaves quicker than he came, and the twenty-six year old is left with a mess instead of a mind. His memories and thoughts are everywhere.

 _He poked fun at you for being at your weakest state, but yet he could make you even weaker_.

 

  
Poe awakes to the sound of heavy armor walking across the room towards him and in an instant he's wide awake, ready to protect himself from any more humilation.

What he sees catches him off guard though. He expected Kylo Ren, the First Order Commander to stand before him. Or maybe his sickly insane General with a thirst for power no one can actually fulfill. What's his name again? Lux? Hux? It doesn't matter though, Poe's just grateful it's not him.

Before him there's a stormtrooper and the Resistance Pilot recognizes him immediately, even if the three dark red stripes are gone from his helmet and he now could be mistaken for anyone wearing the same armor as him.

The stormtrooper quickly takes his helmet off and the face Poe then sees is not a face of someone who's supposed to be working for the First Order.

He does not belong here. Let him go.

"Do you know how to fly a TIE fighter?" the man says. He's young. Maybe just twenty-three years old. Probably doesn't know how old he is himself cause are birthdays even a thing at this place?

Poe nods and he feels the adrenaline already kicking its way through his veins.

"Yeah, I know how to fly _anything_."

 

  
— — —

 

  
It's hot and he's been walking for _hours_. Anywhere he looks there's just sand. An endless sea of orange and yellow. For a moment he's positive he's dead, and now stuck in hell. What he did to get here, he's not sure. Maybe it's because he failed to protect the map leading to Skywalker and the force now believes that walking around in hot sand for eternity after eternity will be a good way to punish him. It's okay. He believes so, too.

He last thing he remembers before getting here, is a stormtrooper. _The_ stormtrooper. His rescuer.

He remembers stealing a TIE fighter from the First Order. Always so reckless. Always putting his own life at risk. The stormtrooper - FN 2187, or rather _Finn_ \- and Poe himself had managed to take down every ship following them in their escape. All ships but one. As they were breaking through the atmosphere of Jakku they got hit, and the two men soon found themselves crashing towards the desert ground at full speed. Everything after that is black. It's like a gap missing in his life. Small, but yet so important.

When he woke up he was all alone. Finn was missing, and same goes for his jacket. Poe was kind of grateful for that though. Wearing a jacket or carrying one in this heat surely would make this hellish punishment even worse. Maybe the force didn't hate him _that_ much after all.

For the next couple of hours he just walks and walks and walks. And having been physically abused and mentally drained just moments before his escape makes walking through sand even harder. There's no water. There's no food. He thinks he saw parts of a stormtrooper suit once, but knowing his luck it was probably just his mind playing tricks on him. Again.

Poe Dameron is a lot of things, but he really wishes being stranded on a huge desert junkyard floating through space weren't one of them.

At one point he reaches a village and there's a huge willow tree watching over it like a mother watching her child. Memories from the night before comes rushing back to him and it's like flying into a brickwall.

He feels sick, like he can't breathe and might throw up his own lungs and heart any second now.

_The poor villagers. The innocent children. Why are you still alive when they had to lose their lives for something you couldn't even protect?_

There's wetness on his face and he reaches up to slowly touch it, smearing salty tears with dried blood from his temple that had slid down to his cheek.

 _You're a Commander of the Resistance, a pilot working in their name. You're a man who fell in love ten years ago, and still is in love with a dead male. You're not a hero, nor will you be a legend. You're Poe Dameron. You're nobody_.

 

  
— — —

 

  
It's been a while now, since he managed to escape the desert and get back to D'Qar.

At the small village with the willow tree he had found a place to rest, and the kind family had let him stay there over night, even making him a meal before he left.

That was, of course, after they saw the Resistance symbol on his clothes.

They gave him their best ship and told him to defeat the evil who had slaughtered their neighbour village. And he promised he will, leaving out the part where he had watched them die one by one just the night before.

So here he is now, back at D'Qar with a promise he would do anything to keep, for all the other promises he's made throughout his life didn't exactly turn out that way.

 

  
There's a rumor going around at the base, that the great smuggler and legend Han Solo is back, together with the General. Poe would rather not think about the two of them, or a special boy would invande his dreams, he knows so. A boy he had not seen for so long but for some reason it felt like the boy had held him just yesterday. So long ago, but also not. His touch lingered on his skin, making him feel burnt again. Feel claimed.

It turns out that the rumor is true and it's not even one day later before the whole Resistance base can spot the _Millennium Falcon_ breaking through the white clouds to land. Poe's not there to watch the whole thing, pretending to be busy with his X-Wing. It wasn't all that much of pretending though, for he and his squadron had just returned from Takodana. It was a short battle, but yet Poe has never felt this way after one, before. It was more than just a battle going on, so much more happening than he could see from his cockpit.

The twenty-six year old turns around to the sudden sound of footsteps coming towards him, followed by beeps and chirps from an astromech. The nagging feeling from before that turned his guts upside down changes into _joy_ and _surprise_ and _relief_. But it's still there, silently screaming at him that his life will change forever within the next day. Change into something new or change back into something old, he does not know yet.

BB-8 is rushing towards him so fast he almost falls over when the little droid knocks into his legs. He kneels down and hugs his loyal friend the best he can, giving him a little pat on the head making the BB-unit chirp with happiness.

 _I missed you_.

Poe stands up again to greet another friend of his, a twenty-three years young man he never thought he would see again. Ever.

"Poe!"

And then he's being embraced and for the first time in ages he actually feels safe in the arms of someone else. In the arms of someone who's basically a stranger.

The man - _Finn_ \- pulls away

and holds Poe by the shoulders, looking at him with so much emotion the pilot feels like he's going to drown any second now.

So instead he just swallows hard and looks away for a moment, his eyes falling on the Resistance symbol on Finn's brown leather ja-

 _Hold on_.

Poe squints his eyes a bit before looking up at Finn again. He point at the jacket.

"Is... Is that my jacket?"

He watches how the younger man's eyes widden in realization and he quickly lets go of Poe's shoulders to pull the jacket off. The Resistance Commander stops him though, holding up a hand and grinning the tiniest bit. The amusement is clear in his eyes.

"Keep it. It suits you." And it does. Poe's almost jealous. The smile Finn gives him back washes away any trace of jealousy though.

 

  
Ever since Finn came to the base he hasn't left Poe's side, and neither has he stopped talking about this one girl. What's her name again? Rey?

 _Why does it sound so familiar_?

The young pilot has never seem her, but she's beautiful and independent, and maybe Finn will be the man she's always wanted, but never needed.

 

  
— — —

 

  
They're finishing planning the attack on the Starkiller Base, their enemies' headquarter. The end is near, for the Resistance or the First Order, they'll find out soon enough.

Finn left just an hour ago with Han and Chewbacca by his side. He had to rescue Rey, always putting others before himself. Always doing everything with a passion, just like Poe himself.

But in the middle of the meeting he feels it. The disturbance shaking the ground he's standing on, shaking the world he's living in. He looks up, his eyes meeting General Organa's and he knows she feels it, too.

He quickly leaves the room. There's stares of confusion digging into his back. He can't breathe.

 

  
When the General finds him he's sitting underneath an oak, his back resting against the old bark full of carvings and unspoken love stories.

 _Unspoken, like his own_.

Poe doesn't look up when the respected woman sits down next to him. She's old, but had already seen enough the moment she was born. They sit in silence. Both drowning in the clear air.

"He's not actually dead, is he?" And the pilot doesn't even have to mention his name, but Leia knows who he is anyway. She knows so well. Always have, always will.

"No... No, he's not. He's still alive somewhere I cannot reach. He's not dead, but yet he buried himself. Ask yourself where, my dearest Poe. I think you already know the answer to that. Have known all along but have always been too blinded by the past to see it." And she's right. Always right. Always knows what's the best for Poe. Always knows things about himself he yet has to figure out.

So he nods and finally looks at her and the look she gives him then could break a thousand hearts but heal a million minds. She's not the General right now. She's Leia Organa.

"I'm sorry," he whispers so quietly he barely hears it himself. She doesn't answer.

Instead she takes him into his arms and holds him like she did when they lost his mother. Like she did when they lost her son. Only they didn't lose him to the after life. They lost him to something Poe used to be tempted by as a child for it promised him his mother back. Turns out it took his lover instead.

Her arms are holding him like he's the only thing she yet has to lose, and it hits him then that maybe that's _true_. He's everything she has left. Her only family although not by blood. Like a mother and son. A mother in law.

The disturbance he felt earlier was the fall of his father in law. Even though he wasn't. Could've been. _Should've_ been. But wasn't.

 _Sometimes the story doesn't turn out exactly the way you want it to_.

 

  
— — —

 

  
He's supposed to be celebrating. He's supposed to smile genuine smiles to everyone congratulating him. But he doesn't. He can't.

The fall of the Starkiller Base might be history one day, but the fall of the First Order has yet to come.

_What's the point in celebrating being free when you're actually not?_

But instead of ruining everything with his emotions and thoughts, he just hides away in his quarters with BB-8. The little astromech desperetely trying to get his beloved owner to speak, but mostly just getting sad sighs in return.

Just as he pulls a shirt over his head there's a knock on the door. He doesn't answer, for he knows the person will let themselves in anyway.

So as he's lacing up his boots the handle turns and in steps Leia. Not the General. Only Leia. She stands in the doorway for a while, watching him do his other boot before stepping into the room.

"Please," she begins and then stops, searching for the right words to say. So unlike her. This must me important. "Please come with me."

So he does.

 

  
The cold air hits his skin when he follows Leia out of the main doors and into the night. It's quiet and he shudders. Silence at D'Qar is rare, only there when mourning the lives lost in battle. This silence though, is not sad, nor happy. It's _there_ and it's so peaceful he feels like he's gonna melt into the dark sky painted with little bright dots. Stars. Planets. _Hope_.

Leia places a hand on his shoulder and looks up into the endless black. He follows her gaze. They're waiting. He's not sure for what.

That is, until, the dark parts and out of it comes the Falcon. The nagging feeling from earlier is back, this time stronger than before, like it's tearing him down limb by limb, blending his heart and lungs and mind into one.

The legendary ship lands and a few minutes later the ramp lowers down. Poe takes a deep breath. It's like fire freezing him from the inside.

First out comes Chewbacca and there's someone in his arms. Someone who looks an awfully lot like-

 _Oh no_.

The twenty-six year old rushes over to the wookie as he lowers the body onto the ground. Poe drops to his knees and places a warm hand against the cold cheek. Tears are swimming in his honey eyes.

Finn has been with them for only a couple of days, but yet he has done more than Poe could ever dream of.

The body is cold, but still alive. There's a beating heart, a small rise and fall of his chest. He's not _here_ , he's so far away Poe fears for a brief moment that he won't ever come back.

But he will. Finn will wake up someday. Soon. He knows so.

He slowly gets up from the hard ground at the sound of more footsteps. He looks up just in time to see Rey and _god_ it feels like he's known her since she was born, but he's never seen her before.

Rey is everything Finn has said about her. Independent and strong and the face of a legend to be. The face of the rebel and heroine she already is.

But there's someone behind her, walking with their head down, walking with their hands in invisible force-handcuffs.

Rey comes over to him and looks at him for five seconds before saying: "It's you."

She must sense the confusion spreading its way throughout the young pilot's body cause the continues to speak.

"It's you. You are Poe Dameron, I recognize you. I saw you and you were happy. I saw you in his mind right before he let go of his lightsaber. He thought of you as he turned himself in." the young woman says and before Poe can answer she's walked away from him, now kneeling by Finn's side with a hand on his cheek. Much like he himself just moments ago.

When Poe looks away from the scene and his hurt friend, his eyes lock on a pair he hasn't seen in eight years. The last time they were covered by darkness.

It's like the seconds stops but is ticking away twice as fast at the same time. The figure - or rather _man_ \- walks closer to him in steps so small and hesitant they can hardly count as steps.

Poe lets his eyes roam all over him, taking in the black robes with a part of its cape missing. Studying the way he walks almost like he's been hurt. There's blood dripping from his side, staining the ground. The pilot moves his gaze higher, and it lands on a scarred face. A line of blood starting at the nose and goes across the right cheek, making the skin look even paler than it already is.

They're just a few feet away from each other now and Poe's more than aware of the three pair of eyes watching them in silence. The man doesn't say anything, but what would there be to say? Everything but also nothing at all.

He then falls to his knees before the pilot, in a mess of black robes, dark locks and red blood. He shakes with every breath he takes, turning it into a painful sob ripping through the calm night.

Poe almost looks away from the sight. Everything about the man crying on his knees is so open and so vulnerable and so _weak_ , everything he once swore he never would be.

But the twenty-six year old drops to his knees, too. He reaches up with shaking fingers and cups the face of the boy who had made him fall so deep, and never gotten up again. So deep in love, so deep in pain.

"I won't forgive you," he whispers but it's so honest and it's almost like he's learning how to fly all over again.

 _Let's start over. I'm in love with you_.

The man raises his gaze from the ground and meets Poe's again and he understands what the older man is saying, can see it in his eyes. the Dameron boy wants so badly to reach out and touch it, only to see if they're real, the emotions the man is feeling. The truth in his orbs.

"I don't expect you to," the younger man whispers back and Poe _cries_. Silent tears sliding down his cheeks and it's not beautiful. Nothing about this is beautiful. But that's the thing about their love though, it never was beautiful, nor happy and innocent. It was hard, brutal and sad. It was being broken but safe with each other. It was a dark honesty. Something to see but impossible to touch. It was like fire and ice turning into thunder and lightning. It was waves crashing high and leaves falling from the trees, washing over them with soft caresses to their skin.

It's not beautiful. But it's _infinity_.

"I don't expect you to," the man says again, a bit softer this time. "I won't forgive me, either."

And Poe kisses him. It's desperate with tongues fighting for dominance, but the pilot ends up giving in. Always giving in to Ben. It's fast and needy with salty tears full of pain and _relief_ mixing together. It's _them_.

It's love and revolution in one. And for the first time in eight years Poe actually feels alive.

 _Welcome home, Ben Solo_.

 

  
— — —

 

  
Poe Dameron is now twenty-seven years old and he wakes to the smell of summer and willow trees.

 _Maybe we could visit that meadow again today_.

He smiles. It's genuine and happy and honest. All the things he thought he no longer could feel just a year ago.

There's a man resting next to him, twenty-five years old but so innocent looking. The light sneaking in through the curtains is giving his skin a warmer shade and making his features look even more angelic.

Poe reaches out and gently traces the scar stretching across the man's face with his forefinger. The touch is feather light and soft. It takes his mind back to the night before.

 _Hot bodies slick with sweat. Eyes shut closed with pleasure and needy lips seeking each other the moment they part. Hands everywhere, touching and caressing and trying to memorize every curve and line of the other's body. Tangled sheets, lips on necks, fingers gripping anything they can get. Two men making melodies with their love. Making promises, making love_.

Poe is being brought back from the past by someone nudging his side and he opens his eyes again to see the man looking at him with so much fondness and love through his sleepy haze.

The former Resistance Commander wants to stay in this moment forever. He wants to memorize every tiny detail about it. He knows though, that if he spends this moment trying to remember the most of it, he won't actually get to experience it. He has learned that now, that spending his time watching everything through the eyes of his future self is not actually living.

"What are you thinking about?" the man with the warm smile and no longer sad eyes asks. Poe just shakes his head and moves to rest it against the man's chest, listening to the sound of his heart beating through the silence.

"Nothing," he mutters against the warm skin. He nuzzles the collerbones with the tip of his nose. The man chuckles. It's happy.

"I can tell, you know, what you're thinking of."

At that the pilot just grins and buries his face against the younger man's neck, playfully tracing all the lilac marks painting the skin with his tongue. Together they're a part of their unspoken love story.

He laughs softly into the soft curve of the man's neck and the sound is so full of _joy_.

"I'm really sorry... About your back. If it's as bad as your neck then I guess it's time for me to trim my nails."

The man doesn't answer him, just nudges him in the side again before pulling him closer against his pale body. Another Naboo morning is filling their bedroom. Another day is given to them to spend together.

Poe thinks back to the night a year ago, when the Starkiller Base were destroyed. When Rey brought back Finn and Ben, together with Chewie.

The following weeks had not been easy. Most of them were spent discussing a punishment for Ben. Leia took him to her brother Luke, and Ben's ability to use the force were soon gone. His uncle only left his forcebond with Poe unharmed.

Sometimes the pilot still caught the younger man forgetting about his inability to use the force and the sadness flashing in his eyes was hard to look at, but it was soon replaced by guilt. The guilt of causing a whole galaxy so much harm, but yet no one thought he deserved to die.

Some days are harder than the rest. Some days Ben just locks himself away and won't come out for anything. Poe knows he's still struggling with the pain he's always felt but if there's anyone who can help him then it's himself. Poe can only be there to support him and comfort him. Ben is the only one who can save himself. And slowly but surely he's succeeding. He's defeating all the harm caused by Snoke. The day Ben will be ready to forgive himself is the day he'll finally get to live in peace.

The twenty-seven year old smiles a gentle but true smile as he reaches out to the man's left arm. He slowly trails his fingers along the skin, years of war written all over it. He hums softly, an old lullaby his mother used to sing for him before he got too old for it. Or whatever he told her.

He continues to trail his fingers along the skin and Ben's watching him, he knows. But he can't help himself. He soon reaches his wrist and his fingertips brush gently against the _black leather and white beads_. The bracelet his mother had given him when he was four. The same bracelet he had given Ben when he was sixteen.

It's quiet. The only sound is of a bird serenading his lover. The light sneaking in through the curtains catches on something silver, almost blinding him. But he smiles, big and happy and bright as he brushes his fingers over the silver band hugging Ben's fourth finger of his left hand.

Poe Dameron Solo is just a twenty-seven year old man with a little astromech droid called BB-8. He's just a pilot and a former Commander of the Resistance ever since the First Order collapsed. He's just a man who lost his mother when he was seven, and met the love of his life when he was ten. He's just a man, a once reckless rebel, but a legend to be.

So he takes Ben's hand in his and closes his eyes again. They can visit the meadow later. After all, it's only just morning.

 _I forgive you_.

**Author's Note:**

> don't ask me how tf the bracelet still fits around his wrist bc i have honestly no idea ok goodnight


End file.
